The Way Out Is Through
I don’t believe in the glass half full or half empty. I have to see both sides. In fact beyond it! That indeed I had a vacant reality at times and I couldn’t see further. And I have tried to will myself to fill that void with everything I could find. Even forced optimism. The “only good vibes” motto. The toxic positivity of spiritual bypassing. Even believing I had to destroy my ego altogether but it ends up being you losing your soul along with it. You lose yourself in the feverish pursuit of enlightenment and that becomes the distraction to true freedom.
You get trapped by your own constant seeking. I am trying to move past that now. Not fearing failure and not chasing success. Just focused on my soul’s purpose. How? By not turning a blind’s eye to the shitty parts of life. It has to be seen, felt in order to move past it. To find solutions, I have to see that there is also so much beauty among the muck. Am I only seeing the positive and living in a fantasy world of my making where I believe in the illusion that everything is suppose to meet some ideal I have created? That society has created? Or that I am only meant to suffer for the rest of my life with never knowing a deep seated deserving of happiness and peace? I have felt and believed both but it’s neither.
What is possible and what is true lives beyond what I have ever let myself know or believe. But now I’m willing to open myself up to something bigger and unknown. I can make space for the expanded surrender that it requires. Nothing is left out. All is included. You can have enlightened experiences and still be imperfect, you can’t exclude or replace one for the other. It comes as a whole complete package. You can acknowledge the suffering in the world and still want to hold onto the enchantment. There is no “take it or leave it”, you know what I mean? And then the resistance to reality will just drag out the suffering. But I don’t want to create that anymore and so something has to change.
The way I see things, the way I see myself, life as a whole with me included, a valuable intricate part of this existence. It begins with me and then everything else precedes. Do it the other way around and you get lost in the duality, bouncing back and forth. Following others and not leading yourself forward out of all the familiar corners in the maze. I want out of distracting myself from reality but truly the only way out is through.
-SEeR
